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Unbelievable. [10 May 2005|09:59pm]
[ mood | Crotchety ]

Im going to warn you all. Yes this is emo. Incredibly. Its an "I hate life" entry. Yep. If you dont like it... well fuck you. To be honest I probably dont care.

Anyway. Today was just unbelievable. No. Not even today. The past few days. The stress has just been almost unbearable. Stupid exams. Stupid family. Stupid friends. Stupid boy problem. Stupid everything. I mean the exams are over so thats subsiding. My family is going through that "Ayesha is the spawn of the devil" bullshit. More than 90% of my friends have made me want to hit them in the face minus maybe one or two. Im not even getting into the Axel crap. Nish is leaving Thursday and that just BITES. There's just too much at once.

Everyone can go die.

Does everything in life suck, or do I just suck at life?

On the bright side Nish gave me Outlaw Star and I got to hang with him a bit. Thats it. Oh and me and leila saw "Tao" [ha] today. Gorgeous. He will have my babies.

Minus all of that everything sucked. Head Automatica is even becoming a problem, all due to fucking menopause.

Adam is off the shit list.

12 Screams| Pull the trigger

Let go. [01 May 2005|11:26pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

I love that song. Ive become an addict. Havent updated lately. Just because I knew my posts woul dbe psychotic. Bleeding from the crotch horribly. Blah. Sucks.

I think Im beginning to finally destress a little. Cant wait until 12 tomorrow. Shopping with Em should do it. I just need time away. A couple hours is better than nothing right?

Decided to wait a bit for that little talk with Axel. I cant bring myself to get into it. Im being a chicken. I just have a feeling I know what would happen, and it wouldnt be what I want.

ARGH. Damn it.

Friday -- Hung out with Kedar. LOL. Crazy huh? We hung out, he remembered my Glassjaw obsession which was cute. We talked, caught up, and watched my movie. Napoleon is going to marry me. Decided. lol. Then I went to Shaffners Jam -n- Cram thing. Had to yell at his window to get me and Leila in. That was pretty funny. Rod stole us. I got the "Ive missed you" crap along with the "Im sorry" repeatedly. Drove me home eventually. Fought maybe an hour or two later? lol. Its unbelievable. Me and Axel were like a year into whatever we are and we dont fight like that. Rod and I are over for good. Ugh.

Saturday -- Studying w/ Leila. More fighting with Rod. Joy. More studying with Leila. Which was actually us sitting in Cici's and realizing we need to fix ourselves. We really do.

Today -- Studying with leila. This time we were at the barnes and nobles in bethesda instead of the pike. Gave up and hit the flea market. I fell in love. COOL STUFF. lol. Who would have thought? Came back to my house. We studied more. Leila left. Talked to my poor work-aholic a bit. :-\ Like I could give him the ultimatum now. Not yet. And now Im sitting here. Thinking Im going to grab ice cream. Hooray.

Hope I dont fail tomorrow. Goodnight. <3 <3 <3

Pull the trigger

Dinosaurs and on pogosticks [27 Apr 2005|06:13pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

[HEART ATTACK] Im updating. Not much has really been going on lately. Its been prom stuff once agian, and dealing with stupid exams. Ugh. 2 AP exams next week, SATs over the weekend, and another AP exam after that. UGH. >.< I want it to all be over. lol. Whoa almost an emo moment. Not quite.

So Ive decided that people who only listen to music due to their current crush are VERY LAME. yuck. if I liked half of what axel listened to.... [insert emo saying here]

Just wanted to get that out. And I hate very lame scene boys. They're driving me nuts. Who would waste their life with a boy who spent all of his time focusing on being scene without being scene? lol. dingus-es.

Whoa creepy surgeon commercial. That reminds me. NOTE TO SELF... Buy season 1 of Grey's Anatomy because that show rocks it to the core. Of course I'll have to wait until the first season is done. DAMN.

I overbooked myself this weekend. Brownies with Jocelyn? Brownies with Ben? 5 or below with Becca perhaps? Im hoping Ill get to see Axel this weekend. I'll steal him away to a movie perhaps. Argh I definitely have SAT prep and AP stuff to study for. Beth is coming over tomorrow. :) AND WE ARE BAKING. Tomorrow is going to be terrific. Im making cake for all of the AP World people. Hooray! Shopping with Em Monday I believe. Mother's day is coming up. Crap. What in the bloody hell do I buy my mother?


2 Screams| Pull the trigger

............................ [26 Apr 2005|09:44pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

I cant believe they'd kill him. and then leave him in a bag. who could honestly do that?

7 Screams| Pull the trigger

Quick post. [25 Apr 2005|01:01am]
[ mood | stressed ]

Rod and me = OVER. HOORAY. Biggest waste of my life. Possibly the only relationship/guy I've ever resented. Axel and I... back to normal? If I can call us that at all. Track has been taking up my time lately. Had terrific brownies a couple days back. Head Automatica on the... 14? Prom's coming up. Ap exams. SATs... yes those are all the reasons as to why I've been neglecting this thing.

And the fact that Im in a foul mood with a lot of people. I hate how fake everyone is. Fucking pathetic.

Additions to the shit list this week:

--rod the jerk off.

Im going to dye my hair. soon. the end.

3 Screams| Pull the trigger

Fuck amali. [16 Apr 2005|08:37pm]
Yep. Thats right. Amali should fucking rot.

The end.
5 Screams| Pull the trigger

AHHHH [12 Apr 2005|08:44pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Yeah. My poor head has been screaming all day long. Im mad at Axel? Surprise surprise. Blah.

I shouldnt be.

I dont know.

My head is jumbled. I told him about Rod. Axel's my best friend... I owed him that much. I dont know. This sucks. NEVER fall for your best friend who is complicated. lol. I love that boy though... ERGH. I dont know. He seems to think Im getting over him. But Im not. Blah not at all. I will never get over him. Neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Yep. Never.

Of course he's being wonderful about the whole thing. Why. I mean... UGH WHY. Atleast pretend you care enough to be bothered? Blah or he's really bothered and attempting to cover it up. Whatever. I need to de-stress. I love Axel. He loves me. Thats why we are best friends. The end.

Whatever? BLAH.

Track meet today. Talked to Axel. Subway. The end. Good night

7 Screams| Pull the trigger

Rod. [11 Apr 2005|10:32pm]
Asked me out. Veryyyy interesting. Now Im half asleep. Later
5 Screams| Pull the trigger

Resurrection... [03 Apr 2005|01:35pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Allright so I lied. I was going to kill this one, but no. I cannot. I am lazy and dont feel like making a new one just yet. Sooo for the next couple weeks, Im stuck with this agian.

Hooray it has been resurrected.

Spring Break is over very very soon. Its horrid. :(

Over break... didnt do that much. [understatement] lol. actually I think I was pretty busy. I dont know. Moppy's party a couple nights ago. Great fun. I suck at Beer Pong. Really bad. But only because freaking Australian boy took most of leila's shots. lol. I had the stoned kids take mine. yeah, they cant aim. There was anime. Why... Im not sure, I was pretty out of it by then. Re-met Rod. Very interesting boy. lol. I'll leave it at that. Leila you can stop cringing now.

Im moving away to Bethesda. Its decided.

Yesturday. I was pretty hungover. Frolicked through the woods in the rain with Bane. Great fun. [And I got chocolate :)] Exciting.

Went to Leila's afterwards... Hit Bethesda for a hour maybe. Didnt hang out with the guys though. We just kind of pranced around a bit. Ended up in Walden Books reading about European women and sex. Very odd. lol. Then I kidnapped her. We watched Garden State. I KICKED HER BUTT IN SLAMWICH. I swear its the best game. It makes you feel stoned. I love it. Hmmm... what else... we ate? Laughed at pictures of random things on google.... Yeah. That was the end of Spring Break.

Now Im stuck sitting here. I should be working on the 50 different assignments I havent even looked at. But >.<....

Ordered my prom dress. :) Thats also exciting. Whats odd though... is... I havent seen Axel a whole lot lately. I saw him on Friday, a week ago for that show, and for like 5 minutes on Wednesday or something when I stopped by. :( No Axel. Its very very odd. But once Monday rolls around, its back to the usual married couple routine probably. lol. Surprise surprise. Blah. Later. Time to work.

7 Screams| Pull the trigger

Alas is it time for this to end. [27 Mar 2005|03:05am]
[ mood | grateful ]

This is my second farewell to a livejournal user name. :( Oh how I love this one. Perhaps some day I will come back. But it is time for this one to momentarily die. :(

Up until now my life has always been an open book to everyone. But right now, with all of the crap and weirdness Im feeling... Its time for my life to be taken out of the spot light. lol.

Sooo I will my journal with one last random babble about everything...

In all honestly I sense a lot of drama on the horizon. Weird new feelings that are surfacing. And then my old feelings that wont seem to go away. But do I want them to? Im not even sure anymore.

See why Im shutting this down?! My head is a mess. lol. So bye bye livejournal.. My new is not going to figured out by any of you. MUAHAHAHAHA.

Hooray for a new chapter in my life?

Yes. I love you all. <3 <3 <3

4 Screams| Pull the trigger

Aye. [25 Mar 2005|12:54pm]
[ mood | Sore, tired, but content ]

LOL so much has changed. I cant give up on Axel as hard as I try. Im still crazy about him. I think I can live with how we are though. Atleast for a while longer. Uhhhhh Oh we're going to prom together. LOL. Surprised?

Show last night was fucking amazing. Yes I just said New Found Glory was fucking amazing. Although I did go just to do something, I had a blast. We got lost in Baltimore first. Only b/c we missed an exit. Reggie was awesome. The fake blood spit on me was a bit gross but whatever. I loved their bunny suits. Their techno thing was the best.

Nfg was shockingly fantastic. Crowd surfed. OMG I LIKE TOUCHED JORDAN. lol. meh. The pit was exciting. Em and Lala looked like they had fun. Hooray. Met that hot boy. He was nice. Ray and Deryck were with us most of the time.

Yes I liked yesturday.

Taking Leila to a show tonight I believe. My engagement show is tonight. Everyone come to the Maid. $5. Doors at 6. So far I have Beth Axel Leila and Gary going with me? :) Yay. Later everyone, time to finish Axels cd.

Pull the trigger

The end is near. Or its here. Whatever. [09 Mar 2005|06:01pm]
[ mood | Ms. Pissypants ]

Last time I promise guys. Im just figure I might as well get this out while I have the time. Lately, life has been a bit irritating. And I figured out most of the reasons why. [cough cough EMILY ;) cough cough] LOL I heart you.

As for the whole Axel and Ayesha crap. It's done. I mean we're probably still going to be "axel and ayesha" couple of the year blah blah blah to most stupid people, but thats done. We're just friends. Im not doing this wait around pining away for him crap when apparently relationships are stupid and just tie people down. I got a tad bit irritated with him today. But seriously, 6 months and then he basically sums it up to me being a restriction? No. I didnt spend a freaking year or whatever liking him to become a restriction. Whatever, Im done. What happens, happens at this point. He's still my closest friend. Thats good enough. I just want him to shut up with the "if you meet someone you really like latch on" or the "relationships are stupid." "You're owned. People should date. They should share eachother." ARGH. Annoying.

I think I liked him way too much. Its just kind of stupid that I liked him to such a great extent when he was just like meh whatever about everything.

Im stupid.

Very stupid.

This is my last rant about us. [Not that there is an "us" anymore]

Long ago Just like the hearse you die to get in again We are so far from you Burning on just like a match you strike to incinerate The lives of everyone you know And what's the worst you take (worst you take) from every heart you break (heart you break) And like the blade you stain (blade you stain) Well I've been holding on tonight What's the worst that I can say? Things are better if I stay So long and goodnight So long and goodnight Came a time When every star fall brought you to tears again We are the very hurt you sold And what's the worst you take (worst you take) from every heart you break [heart you break) And like the blade you stain (blade you stain) Well I've been holding on tonight What's the worst that I can say? Things are better if I stay So long and goodnight So long and goodnight And if you carry on this way Things are better if I stay So long and goodnight So long and goodnight Can you hear me? Are you near me? Can we pretend to leave and then We'll meet again When both our cars collide? What's the worst that I can say? Things are better if I stay So long and goodnight So long and goodnight And if you carry on this way Things are better if I stay So long and goodnight So long and goodnight

Pull the trigger

Oh yeah! You all love me. [09 Mar 2005|05:53pm]
LiveJournal Username
Loves Meporknbeans830
Adores Mestudentmonkey
Admires Mecrayzsweetheart
Idolizes Mepinkwow
Worships Methischris
Reveres Meihavefear
Is In Awe Of Mecrayzsweetheart
Wants To Be Just Like Meihavefear
Quiz created by TigerLilyNat at BlogQuiz.Net
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6 Screams| Pull the trigger

Herpes and Pits. [05 Mar 2005|02:23pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

Ive been neglecting my beautiful journal. :( I missed it. So the past few days I barely remember. What is new.... My eyes are green. HOORAY. Ill throw in a picture once I take one. They are so cooool. LOL. meh. Practice yesturday was fun. Basically hung out with Axel during most of it. Got to smash into Marcia a couple times... being a whore is hard. Umm Axel came over yesturday to hang out a bit. Spent most of the day with him. Or until 10. LOL. we attempted to watch Napoleon Dynamite but that didnt happen. Instead we drew pictures of eachother and ate and stuff. Somehow he always beats me in my games. I DONT KNOW HOW. bah. Yeah it was great fun. Uhhh.. Im going to be an aunt agian. Hooray. Thats pretty exciting. 6 more months. :) Yep. Thats my update.

Did I mention that I am engaged? Or will be soon? :)

-----Later! <3------

Pull the trigger

Snow days. Too bad I hate snow. [25 Feb 2005|08:56am]
[ mood | excited ]

I love the whole no-school thing, but fuck all of the snow. I hate it. I'll probably go sledding in it anyway. Meh.

Well Ive been missing for a couple days so Ill try to remember most of it. Oh me and Axel blew off school the other day. All thanks to me missing my Env Sci lab. LOL. Im so lame. But yes, we went to his place... LOL. And did nothing really. We ate. Figured out how to soften bread. wrestled around a bit. Fought over the computer. He locked me out of his room and deleted some of my pictures. Slept. Watched Coyote Ugly. Well, I watched it, he slept. Then we slept some more. Wrestled more. There was a tickle fight or two. [Listened to Chevelle most of the time...LOOK WHAT HE'S DONE TO ME.] We hung out. His mommy came home, and pulled out the baby pictures. MUAHAHA.... Those were adorable. I love his mother. Then we looked at sharks. LOL. Yes. Sharks. Real sharks. He was right. That was that day. I canceled just about all of my plans for that day, and slept more.

Great fun. Hooray for my dingus.

Yesturday a certain dinosaur who decided he'd take it upon himself to wake me, waltzed into my room... and did just that. LOL. He pranced in. Pulled out the camera phone. I was cranky. Bah. Then Shak popped up. Missed her. Then I went and hung out with them + Sanchez. [who is hilarious when on percodin] bah they slipped me some. LOL. evil. Then I came home. Went to Cameron's, where he beat me AGIAN in space monopoly. HES 5 YEARS OLD. >.< I just cant beat him... ARGH. Came home... and sat here. lol, its just like my fiance` said, if it wasnt for this thing I'd have a life.

Well Im off to play on my space. Ill be home I think? So give me a call if someone wants to entertain me. <3

7 Screams| Pull the trigger

The Queen Has Returned. [22 Feb 2005|01:28am]
[ mood | cold but cheery ]

"The car is sick? How can a car have the flu?"... Party at Malini's yesturday was great fun. Met new people. Some cute boys asked me to dance, but I had babysitting duty... Hung with the old people. I love them all. They were just what I needed to get out of that stupid rut. So Im definitely in a terrific mood. I love it. Although today FORCED me to think about Axel. I swear. It was forced. Everywhere I went or everything I did basically involved. The memories are interesting. LOL

But yes. The party. Hooray for the bass-cake. Adorable. Kicked butt in Underground until it came to Yoshi. I will beat him one day. Missed the boys. Being Nish and Ash, things almost feel incomplete at these things with out them.

LOL. Oh and seriously when someone walks up behind you and throws water on your butt, you're supposed to notice. LOL. I love Udara. The water fight with Yoshi was great. Too bad I won. MUAHAHAHA.

The drive up there was interesting. Dino was so lucky. The drive back was nice. Actually it was really nice. NICE. yuck. bad vocab choices, but oh well. I dont know how else to describe it. It started off with me singing horribly to Ryan Cabrera [I MAY HAVE BROKEN DINO'S EARS], and then ended with this deep conversation. That helped. A LOT. Set a couple priorities, figured out what I want, I just figured out everything.

This morning was just me relaxing. Once agian. That just nice. Hooray for sleep. Dinesh's mom came by, stole us away to Malini's. Visited. Watched Napoleon Dynamite. Sorry if you guys are stuck hearing random catch phrases. I cant seem to stop myself. GOSH. Ha. I love it. Anyway, I whacked people with my fun lollipop flower. WHICH BROKE. THANKS TO A TARD NAMED AMALI. But anyway, that was great fun. Oh. And then I sucked down helium. That was the scariest I ever sounded. High pitched elf. [Dinesh before he hit puberty... MUAHAHA] But yeah.... That was about my day I guess. We stopped by Yoshi's. I visited... came home.... talked to Axel in order to save him... sat online... blah blah blah... watched conan... Yeah. Im hitting the shower now. Later. <3 <3 <3

The Queen is back! [not the tampon queen mind you]

Pull the trigger

HAHAHA. No more alcohol ever agian [20 Feb 2005|07:03pm]
Oh dear. lol. I should just stay away from the stuff. Actually any mind altering substance. Umm Im feeling a bit better. Well a lot better then I did earlier. Of course I only got 2 hours of sleep. Had to wake up for the party.

Yeah did do much today. I talked to Nish. Argh I miss that boy. Like crazy. But yeah I got a surprise phone call from him. That was nice. He may be back for a quick visit next month. Cant wait.

Its the 20th. LOL. Just noticed. Wow its the first time I dont have to say Happy Anniversary. Weird. I wonder if he noticed? Lol, probably not.

Im beginning to go back to normal. Whatever normal is. LOL. Im getting there. I spent the past few weeks dwelling. But honestly life goes on. I miss it. But if its meant to be it'll happen. If not, then I guess it wasnt. Haha I know, that was almost scary coming from me. All of this "meant to be" crap. Maybe Axel was on to something. He made me incredibly happy, when I needed it the most. Yeah Ive done some re-evaluating. This whole fate and destiny thing... Maybe its not as stupid as I used to think it was. I dont know. That could be the loads of caffeine in my system talking. or typing actually. Im just finally getting back to the point where I can enjoy myself without the constant weirdness. All thanks to Nish. Im blaming it on him. LOL. Anyway, this is enough dwelling on Axel for today, and all of that.

Later. <3 <3 <3
Pull the trigger

Dead Babies!?! [20 Feb 2005|07:40am]
[ mood | Spaztastic ]

Oh dearrr. Before I get into what Im oh dearing about Im going to quickly summarize the past few days. Ummm no Group 36 on Friday that was sad. But Nish was back, and honestly he's more important than a show. HOORAY. I got to see him. It was funny how my horoscope was right that day. It did feel like a deja vu scenario. I mean it was a party. Everyone was there. Great fun.

I was definitely trashed... beyond trashed. Haha camels.

Anyway... umm had to make it up to Axel and Beth since I bailed on them yesturday, so we went to a show at the maid last night. JENNY AND LUIS CAME. That was exciting. Luis wasnt feeling so hot about halfway through so they vanished. But yeah. ummm... BOOBOISE was there. I officially am in love with that entire band. Yeah the others kind of sucked. Not horribly... but they sucked. Didnt get to mosh to Axels song. But we will someday. I POPPED BETH'S BUBBLE. :) Umm hahahaha oh yeah. I took a few caffeine pills. Not one. Not two. A few. I thought caffeine would make the show interesting. It did. and everything was fine. Until that I-need-to-puke-very-badly feeling set in. But I mean that went away after I puked. Now Im just left with loads of energy. I just spent 6 hours staring at my ceiling attempting to sleep. I've tried everything. But noooo. These things are still working. In fact I havent this much energy in years. I could fucking walk to Canada and not get tired right now. Cant close my eyesss. At all. Im wondering if Beth and Axel and I will be baking cookies today. That would be interesting.

Ahhh crap. Malini's party tonight. Im either going to be crashing by then, or Ill be very very hyper. Tonight is going to be interesting.

I think I killed my liver. and then my brain over the past few days. WOW.

Another thing has been added to the list of things I want to do before I die... I must make out with someone who has their lip peirced. Meaning Axel needs to peirce his lip. Or a really really hot boy. [Fantastic idea Beth!]

In fact I'll post my list so you all can laugh at me. Later though. I HAVE CHOCOLATE MILK. I love Axel. This is great. Ohhhh. And I have Danishes. Im going to go. Later everyone.

MmmMMmm Chocolate milk

7 Screams| Pull the trigger

Flirt with the stapler [16 Feb 2005|06:51am]
This week:

You thought this was going to be smooth sailing on Monday. Turns out, the water is choppier than you expected. [meh..? Monday wasnt so bad.] Communicate what you're feeling and what you need on Tuesday and Wednesday. [I think that happened] There are enough hands on deck to help you get through this. [lol, I feel like a pirate] And there are a lot of good things on the horizon, including the exotic possibility of love. (Someone is going to flirt heavily with you on Thursday or Friday. Whatever you do, flirt back.) [Ack. Who?!] This weekend, you're finally going to reach the destination you've been sailing toward. [Damn the destination. I dont know what it is]

Things may not be falling into place quite as well as you wanted them to (to say the least), but you're going to have such a great day today it won't matter. [Okay.] You love to flirt, and today you can take it to extremes. Show the world and all its denizens how very much you love them -- flirt with the bus driver, flirt with the barista, heck, flirt with the stapler. Practice makes perfect. [How do you flirt with a stapler?!?!?]

Time to go. Later. <3
5 Screams| Pull the trigger

Could we have known? [15 Feb 2005|11:20pm]
[ mood | recumbent ]

Yeah I eventually went to school. I just got to be the tard with the sun glasses on all day long. Great fun. Ummm afterschool was just play practice. Got to hang with Will and Lala in the box. LOL. We were fishies. Good times.

Frolicked with Axel and Will at my park. This will also be left at "good times". We just hung out. Went home, grabbed food. Went back to school.

Had the talk. "the talk" lol. The damn talk I've been waiting for. LOL. Atleast we got things out on the table. Of course Im still confused but its better. Atleast there isnt anything wrong with me. Thats good to know. Of course Im beginning to think its time to just let go. Atleast for now. But I dont want to. Or I dont know how to? My head is still jumbled. What does it say when someones scared to love you? I dont know. And then the whole meant to be stuff. Wow. That was interesting. I learned new things. About him. Wasnt a big turn off. Just made me look at things in a whole new perspective. He isnt ready for what I want right now. But the more important question in all of this is do I wait?

Important lesson for the day - Remember where your tree is. Or you will lose it. Forever.

Damn tree. If only I cared.

Umm back to the feild trip. 30 minute bus ride with Axel led to me learning more then I ever knew about him. Interesting. I still dont believe in fate and all that crap. But maybe I get him a little better.

Went to this incredibly boring lame.. horrid no child left behind thing. Involving drugs and alcohol. Meh. Didnt care very much for it. It gave me a good laugh in my head so its okay I guess.

Bus ride back with Axel. Talked more. Fought over a name tag. Stuff like that. Yeah. Well hooray for Axel and Will and everyone else for entertaining me tonight. Im gone. Later <3

--Sweet dreams--

Pull the trigger

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